Agearrest

AgeArrest is the latest treatment for unwanted birthdays! You no longer need to suffer through dumb presents, foolish singing, bad cakes, wretched surprise parties and embarrassing cards. Forget all the nonsense associated with creeping one year closer to the final curtain! Getting older sucks. Birthdays suck. AgeArrest helps you avoid them.

DIRECTIONS: Take 2 AgeArrestPills the night before the big day. Swallow with 3 bottles of cheap wine. When you wake up 2 days later, it' ll be all over!

Dr. Juan Moryer, Dee Crepid Laboratories, Older Colorado